The Problem with Hate

There’s a particular flavour of tech criticism that’s become fashionable: “I hate Facebook.” “Delete Facebook.” “Facebook is destroying democracy/our minds/civilization.”

And look, the critiques aren’t wrong. Facebook’s business model is fundamentally problematic. Their algorithmic amplification of outrage is documented. The privacy violations are real. The psychological manipulation is deliberate.

But here’s the thing: I still love Facebook.

Not in the sense that I approve of their business practices or think they’re a net positive for society. But in the sense that I find myself loving the experience of using it, even as I know I shouldn’t.

And that tension – between intellectual understanding and emotional attachment – is precisely what makes this so insidious.

The Hate-Love Cycle

Claiming to hate Facebook while using it daily is self-deception. If you truly hated it, you’d delete it. The fact that you (we) don’t reveals the truth: we’re conflicted.

What we actually hate is:

  • How much time we waste on it
  • How it makes us feel afterwards
  • That we can’t seem to stop
  • The company behind it
  • What it’s doing to public discourse

What we actually love is:

  • Seeing updates from distant friends
  • The validation of likes and comments
  • Discovering interesting content
  • The sense of connection (however illusory)
  • The ease of organizing events

The platform is deliberately designed to maximize the love and minimize our awareness of the hate.

Why “I Love Facebook” Is Honest

Saying “I love Facebook” while working to reduce my usage isn’t contradiction – it’s acknowledgment of reality.

Admitting the pull is the first step to managing it. If I pretend I hate it while secretly enjoying it, I’m just lying to myself. The guilt of using something I claim to hate doesn’t help me use it less – it just adds shame to the compulsion.

Recognizing the design helps too. Facebook isn’t accidentally good at capturing attention. Hundreds of millions of dollars and thousands of engineer-hours have been spent making it irresistible. The fact that it works on me isn’t a personal failing – it’s evidence that the design is effective.

Accepting complexity is necessary. Social media platforms provide real value alongside real harm. The solution isn’t simple abstinence for everyone, everywhere. It’s more nuanced: using tools that are deliberately designed to be hard to use well, and doing so consciously.

What Loving Facebook Teaches

About Addiction

You can love something that’s bad for you. In fact, that’s usually how addiction works. The substance/behaviour provides genuine pleasure or relief, which is why it’s hard to stop.

Traditional addiction treatment starts with acknowledging:

  1. That you have a problem
  2. That you cannot control your use alone
  3. That the substance is more powerful than willpower

Same with Facebook. Telling myself “I should just use it less” while the entire platform is optimized to make that impossible is naive.

About Design Ethics

Facebook’s business model requires maximizing engagement. Every design decision is measured by: does it increase time on site?

Understanding this helps me recognize when I’m being manipulated:

  • Red notification badges designed to trigger urgency
  • Infinite scroll removing natural stopping points
  • Variable reward schedules (sometimes interesting content, sometimes not) creating slot-machine psychology
  • Social comparison triggering FOMO and inadequacy

Knowing these techniques doesn’t make me immune, but it does help me notice when they’re working on me.

About Agency

There’s a difference between:

  • “I’m checking Facebook” (active choice)
  • “I found myself on Facebook” (automatic behaviour)

Most of my usage is the latter. Muscle memory picks up my phone, thumb navigates to Facebook, scroll begins – all before conscious intention kicks in.

Loving Facebook despite knowing this means accepting that agency requires more than good intentions. It requires:

  • Removing temptation (logging out, deleting apps)
  • Creating friction (using website blockers)
  • Replacement behaviours (what else to do with that impulse)
  • Environmental design (phone in another room)

Strategies When You Love What’s Harming You

1. Structured Engagement

Instead of trying to “use less” (vague, hard to measure), I’ve tried:

  • Check only at 12pm and 6pm (specific times)
  • 15 minutes maximum per session (limited duration)
  • Only on laptop, never on phone (increased friction)

This is harder than it sounds because the pull is strong. But having rules makes it a system problem rather than a willpower problem.

2. Purpose-Driven Usage

Before opening Facebook, ask: “Why am I here?”

Acceptable answers:

  • To check event details for tonight’s dinner
  • To see if Person X responded to my message
  • To post this specific thing

Unacceptable answers:

  • I’m bored
  • Habitually
  • To see what’s happening

If the answer is unacceptable, close the tab.

3. Notification Purge

I’ve turned off all Facebook notifications except direct messages from close friends. This means:

  • No red badges calling me back
  • No alerts about likes, comments, tags
  • No news feed suggestions

This single change dramatically reduced my automatic checking.

4. Replacement Acknowledgment

When I want to check Facebook but I’m trying not to, I acknowledge the desire rather than suppress it:

“I want to check Facebook right now. That’s the platform working as designed. I’m going to [read for 5 minutes / make tea / go for a walk] instead.”

Acknowledging the want reduces its power more than denying it does.

The Paradox

I love Facebook in the same way I love eating entire pizzas or staying up too late: it feels good in the moment and I regret it afterwards.

The difference with Facebook is that the company has spent billions ensuring I’ll keep coming back despite the regrets. And unlike pizza, there’s no natural stopping point – the feed is infinite.

Saying “I love Facebook” isn’t endorsement. It’s honesty about why this is hard.

And recognizing why it’s hard is the beginning of doing something about it.

What I’m Actually Doing

Current status (March 2019):

  • Average 20 minutes/day on Facebook (down from ~90)
  • Check 2-3 times/day (down from 15-20)
  • Only on laptop (deleted phone app)
  • No notifications except DMs
  • Post deliberately, not compulsively

Still too much, probably. But 75% reduction is real progress.

The goal isn’t zero. It’s conscious, intentional engagement rather than compulsive, automatic checking.

And getting there required admitting: I love Facebook. That’s the problem.

For You

If you’re struggling with this:

  1. Stop pretending you hate it - Acknowledge what you actually get from it
  2. Understand the mechanisms - You’re not weak, you’re being manipulated by design
  3. Create friction - Make it slightly harder to access
  4. Replace the behaviour - Have something else to do with the impulse
  5. Measure progress - Track actual usage, not just intentions

And remember: the fact that billion-dollar platforms can successfully capture your attention doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means they’re very, very good at what they do.

The battle isn’t to never feel the pull. It’s to notice the pull and choose how to respond.

That starts with honesty: I love Facebook. And I’m working on loving it less.